Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The Running Dead

*Disclaimer*:  I am totally enthralled by the AMC show "The Walking Dead".  I wasn't really into zombies until I started watching it (there's no zombie life sticker on my car), so when I imagine the zombie apocalypse, it's all in terms of that TV show rather than some horror movies.  "Zombieland" is not a horror movie, per se, and is the other contributor to my imaginings of zombie life.

Let me set the scene for you.  No.  As Inigo Montoya would say, there is too much.  Let me sum up.  Just about everyone on Earth has died, and then come back to "life" with the sole purpose of eating you.  You've managed to survive so far by outrunning and outsmarting the former humans.
No substitutions.
As I was running by my lonesome one day several months ago (a memorable run, as I went 6 miles and had never before run more than 5), I came across the remains of a banana on the sidewalk.  No, I did not cartoonish-ly slip and fall on the peel.  I thought, "I should remember where that is in case of zombies.  If I were starving, I would totally eat it, and I bet there's still vitamins and nutrients in it."  During the remaining miles, I kept myself distracted and entertained by finding more and more things that would be useful I.C.O.Z.  That day, it became a Thing, and now I'm always on the lookout for such items.  The following are some of the useful things I've seen, that could probably be found on most sidewalks or streets.  You might just thank me for this list someday...

Food and Drink:
  • A wrapped piece of candy- every carb and calorie would help
  • Banana remains
  • A full bottle of purified water (okay, so that one I actually dropped out of Baby's stroller when I hit a bump going too fast, but it still counts)
  • Barely rotten oranges
  • A few ounces of Gatorade 
  • Slugs-yeah, actual slugs.  The way I figure, if I had a fire (and I would have to have a fire) I could cook and eat all manner of things.  Slugs would be super easy to catch, and are definitely not poisonous.
  • A condom- hear me out- I heard on the radio yesterday that a condom will hold a liter of water.  The other survivors are probably not taking them off the store shelves during their looting sprees, so they could be very useful.  Granted, those that I've seen on the roads are not exactly...fresh, but still!
  • Broken pieces of cinder block
  • Real estate signs- the kind that stick in the ground on metal stakes
  • The pieces of an old desk, being discarded.  These could also be used for the all-important fire.
  • Glass bottles
  • Soda cans- once flattened, they're quite sharp
  • A CD like this one, found a block away from my house yesterday, already nice and broken with a jagged edge.
Finally, DJ Kndeed's Reggaetown gets the recognition it deserves
Surviving the Elements:
  • A dead armadillo- again, hear me out!  What could make a better hat than the hard, bony shell of an armadillo?  Sun protection, rain protection, maybe even zombie-bite protection?  Plus, the smell might confuse the zombies into thinking I was already dead.  
  • The good half of a metal pail (who would throw out the bottom of a bucket???)
  • Trash cans- I think I could live in one
  • A knife- even the rusty butter knife I found would be better than nothing
  • A lighter- duh.
Please, don't think that I've given you all my survival tips in this one blog post.  I've many more.  And no, my post-apocalyptic plans don't include being in my neighborhood, living in a trash can, surviving on my running and slug-eating.  But I could do it.  Oh, yes.

Found any useful garbage lately?

What do you think about, while running all alone?


  1. Weighing my options. Eating and using the stuff you suggest vs. becoming a zombie. Pros and cons looking kinda even.

    To help with the decision: How much does it hurt to be attacked (eaten?) by a zombie. Scale of 1 to 10. Do we know?

    1. Well, I think it all depends on how many you're serving. If it's just one or two munching on you, it seems like it could take a while and be pretty excruciating. Ideally, you'd be like the Thanksgiving buffet for at least a dozen zombies. They'd tear into you so fast, you wouldn't have time to suffer.

  2. I have learned so much. I will never look at an armadillo the same way again.