Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Never Have I Ever...

...played the drinking game with the same title as this post.  For real, Mom and Dad.  I never did!  I just saw it on tv.  Feel free to check out the rules in the link and play as you read this post, though.  Then you can comment with how many times you (would have) had to drink  Sometimes, I am taken aback by how ridiculously happy and blessed I am, and I start to feel a bit guilty about my cheery, adorable-photo-filled, mushy gushy, sunshine and rainbows, I-love-my-husband-and-running posts.  I feel like I should make it clear that I am also often taken aback by how imperfect I am; how many stupid things I do, how many bad decisions I make.  Please enjoy (It's okay to take pleasure in reading about the shortfalls of others- we all do it.  Right?  No?  Well, then there's one.) my Confessions of Ineptitude.

Never Have I Ever...
...opened the box containing the iron or unwrapped the ironing board, both purchased over 3 years ago, because I didn't own either one.  Yes, that means what you think it means.  6 y.o. has never seen a clothes iron used in our home.

...washed our house's windows or screens.  I have dusted the blinds and vacuumed the windowsills, but I wouldn't even know where to begin actual window washing.  I seem to remember using the garden hose to spray water at the windows when I was growing up, but that may not have actually been helpful to my parents.
...mowed a lawn.  I see our old lady neighbor, out using her push mower, and feel a little twinge of...something.  Embarrassment, probably, but it feels a little like regret mixed with fear (of getting to retirement age and having to sacrifice buying coffee so I can pay the lawn guys) and relief.  Again, I wouldn't even know where to begin.
...put money in the buckets held by people standing in the road, or in the hands of people holding signs.  I actually consider myself to be a pretty generous and charitable person, and I do donate food, clothing, and money to different organizations.  The people on the side of the road scare me, though, and I always pretend I don't see them.  When I think it through, it's very silly.  As if throwing a dollar into the bucket of the reflective vest wearer will somehow give him the inclination to drag me out of my car and murder me?  As if lowering my window and handing spare change to the person holding the "homeless and hungry anything help godbless" sign is going to instigate an attack or kidnapping?  Probably not.
...been so ashamed of my feet.  I have a spa gift card, waiting to be used on a pedicure, and I can't bring myself to set an appointment.  I'm sure they're not the most disgusting feet in the universe, but they're easily the most disgusting I've ever owned.
My actual feet, before they betrayed me and turned to the dark side.
...been asked for hair styling, makeup, decorating, fashion, or dancing tips.  I'm quite certain I never will be asked, either.
...been the Fantasy Football league champion.  I did make the playoffs last season!  I was even ranked first for several weeks.  Ended up in 4th place, my highest (just out of the money) finish yet.

Almost Always, I...
...procrastinate.  I put off easy tasks.  I put off difficult tasks.  I put off necessary things, I put off phone calls and emails and really silly things like filling up water bottles.  Why does "later" always seem more appealing than "now"?  Procrastinating is almost always the wrong choice, and I wish I could give advice on how to stop it, but the only tip I can think of is the obvious one- just do it now.
...park my car crookedly.  Yep.  I'm one of those.  Mine is the car you shake your head at as you walk through the lot, and mutter, "Wheredja learn to park?" or something.  Even more ridiculous than the fact that I am so bad at parking after almost 20 years of practice (GAAAH!  I'M SO OLD!) is the joy and pride I feel when I occasionally find my car in the center of the space.  It's not such a huge accomplishment.  Really, I should be celebrating and sending pictures to my family when I have not procrastinated doing a simple chore like folding laundry or emptying the dishwasher. late.  I'm terrible at estimating the time it takes to do anything, even if I've done it 100 times.  I'm also easily distracted.  Not sure if you know it, but that combo does not equal promptness.  Remember what I said up there about doing stupid things?  Here's one that I do way too often: I set my alarm to wake me up with what I think is 20 extra minutes to get ready.  Stay in bed an extra 5 minutes.  End up with 5 extra minutes before I need to leave the house, and rather than just getting in my crooked car and leaving early, I start a task that I've been procrastinating.  I tell myself it will only take 3 minutes.  Inevitably, it takes at least 10.  I check the clock, feel genuine shock, and rush out the door.
...skip flossing.  I was going to put this in the "never have I ever" category, but I'm positive I've flossed my teeth at some point in my life.  I remember my gums bleeding.  I think the last time I flossed was pre-Y2K.  I stopped, figuring that if the world was going to end anyway, there was really no point in having super healthy teeth.
10 years, no floss.  Na na na boo boo, folks with a genetic predisposition toward tooth decay.

I have a hard time remembering...
...what the red and blue, elephant and donkey represent.  I mean, I know they symbolize Republicans and Democrats, but I can never remember which color is which and which animal is which. to tell the difference between a bass and a regular guitar.  Yes, this is coming from the same gal who has attended a really awesome number of rock concerts. concentrate on my form when I'm running.  One day, I went to the gym at 5 a.m. and ran on the treadmill directly in front of the window so that I could see my reflection perfectly.  I had forgotten my iPod.  There were only 1 or 2 other people anywhere close.  I still got distracted from watching myself and fixing my obvious errors. respond to party invitations.  I feel like such a heel about it, too.  Not a pretty, just pedicured heel, either.  Like, one of my heels. use coupons before they expire.  Nothing makes me growl and stomp like throwing away money.
...due dates.  For more than a decade, I didn't set foot in the library because I had forgotten to return some books that were in the trunk of my car when I sold it.  I was granted a library card again a few years ago, and now I think of my late fines as donating to a charity that I like.  If I don't think of it that way, I get all growly and stompy again.

I could go on, of course.  I thought about asking Husband for additional evidence of my ineptitude, but then I figured I would get upset, no matter what he said.  Here's something you should remember- asking people to tell you your faults, in detail, will usually not make you feel so sunshine-y and smiley.  Better to just concentrate on the triumphs and joys in your life, and put off fixing your faults until tomorrow.

How many times would you have had to drink in agreement with my statements?

Any tips on window washing?  I might try it soon.


  1. I love reading your blog. I have to admit; on your list, I would remain pretty sober, but I have many other short comings.
    Never have I ever.....been happy with what I see in the mirror, skinny, too skinny, fat, too fat, pudgy in the freshman 15 sort of way. I have moments of satisfaction with my reflection where I feel happy?......... Contradictory?
    Never have I ever.....been able to say my R's. I kinda sound like Elmer Fudd? Zach is worried our girls might suffer from the same affliction from listening to me speak. He is also concerned about the prospect of them inheriting my NEVER ENDING BUTT CRACK, or even worse my CANKLES.
    Never have any of the books they told you to read in high school in full. I used cliff notes and the internet to flub my way through story lines and plots. Sad, I know! but true.
    Never have I.....been able to stay cool under pressure or hide when I am mad. I get some strange rash that arises from my neck and continues to engulf my entire face.
    Never have I....understood the love of football or why it turns my husband into some lunatic that would make you think we have our life savings vested on the Dolphins! I watch, pretend to care, but deep down I just want another beer and for the wings to come to the table. Please don't tell Zach, this would be sac relig in his eyes.
    Never have I.....written down anything in that ledger thingy that comes with your check book?? even before online banking, just never really wanted to be accountable....get it aCOUNTable...anyways.
    Rhi, you are an interesting, honest, women, evidently full of flaws that I am just now being informed of. Lol, but most importantly you are full of joy and that is why I love you.

    1. I've never noticed the R thing. How is that possible? I HAVE noticed the rash when you're mad, though. It's how all us smart servers knew to stay out of your way at work sometimes. The football thing- you made your husband a perfect man cave. I'm sure he likes that, and your pretense at caring, more than actual passion for the team or sport.
      Yes, you can have my ironing board. Just let me know before you stop by to get it so that I can hide the mess.

  2. Also, can I have your ironing board?

  3. I got rid of our ironing board & iron as I did not use them and am thankful for clothing made out of materials that "don't wrinkle" and that my husband does NOT have to wear dress clothes for work.

    I just recently (this month) got on that whole flossing bandwagon after going to the dentist & confessing for the umpteenth time that I still haven't been flossing...hope it sticks!

    I can also relate on the parking...small victories;-) The problem lies in that I think I'm better than I am at parking....

    I really need to wash my windows too! I've washed the insides a few times, but have been kind of been waiting until we replace them to start washing them regularly on the outside, which could still be a couple of years. I did at one point buy some window cleaner that you hooked on to your garden hose & sprayed at your windows, but have yet to use it...whoops! I'm pretty sure it's been sitting under my sink for at least 5 years...anyways they have stuff like that if that helps;-)

    1. I also meant to say that's a really cute photo of the two of you. And never ask your husband to tell you your'll always make you mad;-)

  4. Surely at some point I must have made a comment about your feet being sexy? It would be pretty out of character for me not to have.

    1. Have you forgotten my last post already?

  5. Although my list would not be exactly the same as yours, it would certainly be (at least) as long.

    Your list of imperfections and your humorous way of writing about them just makes you all the more lovable. Thanks for sharing.

    Also - I have no tips for window washing, but as I sit here thinking about it I am noticing how dirty ours are.